VDAY, ANXIOTY & SEX
Sitting. Cross-legged in a familiar dinner. You know the kind. Tinted walls by the yrs of smokers stand alone square tables with pull out old chairs. Each crevice of the place covered in landscape paintings (crooked) and busts of deer’s that have been dead for decades.My waitress? She knows what I’ll eat, scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, and wheat toast. The coffee is as strong as it is generic. And I drink it.You ever felt like you were old? Well, by stepping foot in a diner like this I immediately am young again. Each repeat offender here has a deep rich story from their passing years. I can tell from the dark circles under their eyes along with the intense lines from those continuing stories on their hands and necks. I am truly young here.My food was here in front of me with in a few min. The shakes. Oh my Friend, the shakes are bad today. Only a few people know I have them in my life. None of them here. It’s visible as I pick up this retched brew and sip then gulp it down.Why is there a huge black safe inside the dining hall? I wonder what secrets are held inside.I eat. Slowly. Asking only One to take these vibrations away and nourish my fairly healthy body. Did I mention I smoke? One of the main reasons I choose this place long ago is that I can smoke and eat here. Not too many places have such an ambiance of life lived through the fog. I used to suck down a bundle a day. Now, I can take um’ or leave um’.
Do you smoke? You might want to light up further along.Sigh. “Just breathe.” The words of my many old time friends have said to me, “Just Breath.”A husband and wife just came in. I bet married 10 or 11 years. She is holding a valentines gift she no doubt just got. Looks like jewelry. She looks happy. They are trying to find a place to sit. This place is popular.I had ventured out today at 8am. Wide awake at 7. I had asked my sleepy brother if he was hungry. He wanted only to sleep. I’m too restless for wanting. Wanting what is the question? And I plan to tell you all about it. To busy in my minds eye to have kept laying there in my bed. So I put on my rave jeans from the 90’s and a blue shirt, and my Nike coat, placed some busy work in my back pack and left my warm hole in the block.Destination? Why? What did it matter as long as I got out and I was productive? I suppose being productive is instilled in my head to always keep moving. I’m amazed I sleep when I do. After I leave this diner I’m going to the post office to get the paperwork for my first passport.The Fella’s at the table next to me are looking at derailed train photos on a computer that one man brought in with him. Well, it’s a laptop. I just asked the men what kind. I had to be inquisitive. I’m a sucker for bright photos. The gentlemen are train buffs and the lap top is a Hewlett-Packard. (G60-235EX) I only asked for selfish reasons of wanting one for my self. They were thrilled to fill me in on the brand and where to get it at a fair price.Deciding to leave and go walking in the brisk air I put on my layers, made my way to the front of the restraint and paid $6 for my feast. This crisp air? Dear friend, I have on one of those thin shirts today. And I now have goose bumps even on my tits. I know you like that.I keep thinking of my hair appointment at noon. Should I do it? Should I spend my hard earned money on me? Thoughts flicker so fast through my brain. Where to next? Oh yeah the post office.The lines are long. And standing there I felt a sence of déjà vu like I’ve had purchased a passport before. Like something pulling me in a different direction. No faster than the thought came in it was gone. Too many thoughts to give one a mere chance of denial. I sent Mom some photos I had my brother take of me last week. She will love them. I hate them. They remind me of how I am aging. Looking at them was hard. Mom will see her beautiful strawberry blonde 37 year old daughter and just that. Simple. I see woman whom has aged before I’m supposto. Do you hear me? What’s wrong with me to even think that? And just like that the thought is gone. I hung around in line, slowly moving up one foot at a time until my turn. Got my papers for the passport and it will cost $100 and 6 weeks wait time. Ridiculous. If I want to go outside the states I’ll have to have it for my journey.Leaving the post office decided to go around the corner to the library. Check my email and see if anyone bothered to say hi. One guy is on the net, Mike. He lives in the UK. He’s always happy to say hi and flirt a bit. Being in a relationship makes him frisky or may be it’s the distance between us, frankly I don’t care. I’m not a fan of the net for making a mate. I say that now due to I have the t-shirt and I burned it! I put a few pictures up on my FACEBOOK page. Only the ones I could stand to share. Looking for some semblance of acknowledgment. Some one will say I look pretty. Some one did a girlfriend. One guy, Brian, an old dear friend said, “Amazing boots and great picture.” That was all. The one I truly wanted acknowledgment from said nothing. He’s blowing me off.I'll be back with the rest of my day - I know that you like the way I talk to you and I can not wait to tell you about the night I had. Oh you will have to enjoy me being pet by an old dear friend...all night long.While on the computer my cell vibrated. My lady friends calling to wish me Happy Valentines Day. They yelled it simultaneously in the phone. They had droped by my apartment with a gift and i wasn't there. Kiel told them i was out. They invited me for a coffee at one of their homes near my apt. I told them I'd be there soon.Said bye to my friend on the net and started walking.As I stepped up onto the porch of my sweet lady friends home, noticing the heart shapped ornaments all along her door frame, I began to feel nervous. Was it them or me? Did I really want to be there? The door opened to a bright smilling face so elated to see me. I am a mess to look at I'm thinking. The hugs started, first from one lady then another. I was doing fine. somber but fine. Then Nancy's husbund walked in. Nancy's washing dishes and there was no coffee to see. Hovering in hte red and black kitchen sourounded by verses fromthe Bible Nancy said to her husbund, Ed, that I needed a hug. He obliged. He reached out with his bear like arms and gugged me like, well, like a dad would do. I was immediatly in tears. Quietly sobbing. I have the utmost respect for this family. I feel loved around them. They are always here with open arms. They both could see it made me cry and I quickly recovered the tears and asked him in a joking manner if he was going to make coffee. He said, "why sure".Nancy was so happy to have me in her home. and I told her I had started writing today. She, being a writer always writing our Bible studies each week so diligently, was interested in what I had started. So I gave her the first bit of this story that I'm writing now. This one, the one you are reading. She got her cola and sat atthe long dinning room table to read it. Making sounds of understanding while she read.Marilyn was writing too. Something in a religious manner of sorts at this same table and was waiting to read my rambelings. I told her I had a hair apointment at noon on Locust St. at Rizzo's. And that I'm ready for a change.There it was. I had said it aloud. "I'm ready for a change." It was deffening to my already ringing ears. It was out on the table. It flew over both their heads.Nancy was pleased with my writing and I'm sure your getting bored. Waiting for the erotic part soon to come. Rest assured, I stated I would take care of you. Consider this my freeky form of foreplay. Like it or not your my captive reader and I'd like you to read on. This is no mear chance that your reading my mind, my deapest feelings here now as I lay pen to paper, then typing it up. This is truth. From me to you. I was glad Nancy like my story thus far, I was more composed now sitting this drinking exquisitely harsh coffee. Nancy even brought out little creamer and sugar pots. So old fashioned.Dad called. I stood from the table and excused my self into the living room where we chatted about my job and my KSA's (knowledge, skills, and abilities - part of the requirements for applying for a government job) . I had emailed him a copy of it when I applied for the postion upgrade at FEMA. He didn't realize that I had already turned the papers in and had been now offered the new career. He congradulated me. I told him I still had a FBI background check to be assesed then I would find out if they are truly giving me the position. I let him know I was busy at this time and should call him back.As I am attempting to leave so not to be late at my hairstylest the ladies start to ask me about Thursday nights. ( Nancy hosts a wemons Bible study at 7pm every Thursday night at her home) The questions began to fly at me. Whats been going on to keep me from comming? Don't I realize that it's Satin at work when I choose not to show up? That I would feel better showing up and setting my butt down to listen to the other ladies talk about how God has been at work in their lives. Questions comming at me from both ladies. I kept looking at the clock. It was 11:50am now.God? What are they doing? They know I have an apointment. "Yes, I will come. Yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I know I should go and through their chatter, through their aqusations about how am I doing. How is my brother? How am I dealing with my feelings of the break up I had just gone through days before."Oh Tricia, your doing so well but we want you to come. Oh please do your self this favor and come," Nancy had said. The presure in my head now is huge. I am ready to leave. It is an apointment, and I have gotta go. Both ladies standing at the front door as if unconsciously blocking my path and I didn't want to be rude. I knew it would take me 10-15 mins to walk to the salon. Then as if something went off in my twisted head I opened my mouth unclear but heard,"I'm tired of listening to the ladies going on and on about their lives and how Gods plan and Gods will is at work! Yes I have a mentally disturbing occupation and I am thankful I have it. But Ladies, Ladies, this is too much! All in good time." I was geting louder. I was crying. Tears streaming down my face. I had snapped litterally yelling at these two sweet dear ladies to back off. I yelled at them, "wait for it, I'll come around again, and yes I know I have reclused from you. I know Gods Got It! I know I don't have anything without Him. I know all I have is a gift and all is temporary! God got each freeking word comming out of my mouth and I Get It!I stopped. Looking at them both. Smilling at me they are still smilling at me? Why arn't they mad at me? And they are not mad at me in the least. they both know I needed to realease this anger. I am angry. Angry that my brother lives with me and hasn't found a job in this dying town. Angry at the man I have broken up with weeks prior. Pissed at my family for allowing shit to pass on as ok when it is not. Christ- I'm mad at myself - I was about to loose a bit of integrity here cus I'd be late for my hair apt....-Silence. Only form me at this point. The ladies were fine. Looking at me and eachother Marilyn offered to give me a ride to the apt. I appolgized to them both sincerly and hugged them and got into her car.-Rizzo's hair sallonIt's only a few blocks away. I thanked Marilyn for the ride and went inside. Marths was happy to see I made it. Quickly I was approached by a youngin- female named Pamala. She sat me down to wash my hair, that turned out to be the best scalp message I have ever recieved. Every lady in here but me speaks spanish. Lots of chatter going on. Pamala asked me questions that stired up emotions in me and I started welling up in tears. After the scrub she stood me up and said come here... She gave me a big hug and a sincere on at that. She told me to just let it all out and not hold on to what ever it was and that us wemon need to cry now and then. And I did. I cried for a long while.
Didn't know this lady from Eve but she was right. I had so much pint up frustration and I go day to day to weeks to months without ever releasing it.After the crying. Well, I had my hair cut and styled by a wonderful artist into an old style shag.When she was dont blowing it dry...I was so pleased with the results I gave her a hug and big tip.Next I skip a few hours since I didn't do much but eat light diner to the time that I recieved a call from an old friend... a man I've always surrendered to his kiss or sound of his voice. And here now around 10pm he was calling on me.Was this just a mear booty call- I thought so. Our conversation was soft, sexy, and tantalizing. He told me I always do "this" to him. I asked exactly what is this - that I do? He told me that my voice brings him toa point of sextual frustration. I told him he could come over if he'd like and after
